Another Dream

Last night, I had a really, really weird dream again. I dreamed that all my closest friends, SM, AP, SI, CP, AS, VM and PG - ALL of them - were smiling. In some kind of Pacman-style maze which was filled with other inanimate smilies.

Smiley 

To see a smiley face in your dream, symbolizes approval and validation of your actions. The dream symbol is providing you with reassurance that you are on the right track.

Well, that's very reassuring. I just feel like I'm being unjustifiably petulant about this by not replying to the e-mail, and refusing to ever speak to him again. It's just that I'm so hurt and let down and nobody, not even I, expected this from him. If I don't even know who he is anymore, how am I supposed to ever speak to him again? There's an AS-India version and an AS-America version. They're two very different people, it would seem... 

Smile 

To dream that you or others are smiling, means that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you have done for others. Alternatively, a smile indicates that you are in search of something or someone that will make you happy.

I don't completely agree with this. I haven't achieved anything this summer. At all. And I personally don't approve of my decision to never speak to AS again, because I miss him so much, but it's something that I think I have to do if I have any self respect and/or principles. Rewarded for the good things I've done? Sure. As if that ever happens. The only good things I've done lately are help some 11th grader with his EE and rework Aashna's world lit. I don't really think I deserve any rewards for basic things like that anyway. 

One thing is for certain, though: I'm definitely looking for someone to make me smile.

Maze 

To dream that you are in a maze, denotes that you need to deal with a waking task on a more direct level. Alternatively, the maze symbolizes life's twists and turns. It represents indecision, confusion, missteps, feeling lost or being misled

How on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

Indecision - check. I can't decide whether or not I should reply and pretend I'm okay or whatever.

Confusion - Hell yeah I'm confused. I didn't even do anything to deserve this.

Missteps - God knows what that's supposed to mean, though I'm pretty sure it applies.

Feeling lost - of course I feel lost. :/

Being misled - I think this one is the clear winner. I was misled into thinking this meant something, that it was real enough to mean something even from far away. 

Oh well.

Ode to Me (By Aditya Dutta)

this is your time to chill. 
in boston you shall kill
but for now 
make your voice shrill 
and sing out in a joyous trill. 
For now is the time,
 to be happy and spend a dime,
 you should go out and meet your friends 
cause tomorrow you'll be on the next bend.
now you're the boss, 
the world is your secretary.
 so tell them to get sexy 
while you shake shake your lexi.

People

Ignore this if you want to..I'm not in the best state of mind right now

But

What is it that I did wrong?

Is there something so disgustingly wrong with me that I just didn't notice?

All this while I've been trying...trying SO hard for everything, constant contact, always being in touch, facebooking, e-mailing, even skyping EVERYTHING. I've been online ALL DAY for so many days and now I just feel like a delusional little pixie...AGAIN!

All that effort I was putting in..it made me look pathetic to everyone else, and feel pretty pathetic myself. It's like oh look at her! Look at her trying so hard and him not caring at all! Look at her, uploading all those pictures and writing him all those cutesy wall posts and trying SO FUCKING HARD and look at him living it up with his friends and totally forgetting about her existence! AWWW!

Wow, you know, it was really difficult for me to trust again.

But I trusted him.

Right now, everything hurts like a bitch. I can't even sleep.

I'm never letting any other guy hurt me like this ever again.

I am NEVER, EVER going to fall this hard again.

Dream

Recently, I had a dream about a new friend. She and I met at some mehendi ceremony kind of thing (possibly an engagement) and she hugged me in this really happy way. Next thing I knew, we were on some sort of road trip, watching Sex and the City (:S) in a car. Then, in my dream, we took a detour at this illegal VISA place for some reason and I nearly got into loads of trouble and nearly got kicked out of University. But then since I was upset, she bought me a bubble-blowing thing. Yeah, that's it. :P

Dreams always interest me, so I've decided to pull this one apart in terms of its symbols. Just for fun :)

Engagement 

To dream that you are at an engagement ceremony represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness. Alternatively, it symbolizes your commitments and desires for security. If you are unmarried, the dream may indicate your desires for some form of commitment in an existing relationship or desire for a new one.


OK, for me, this interpretation is spot on. Boyfriend keeps going absentee on me and I really do miss how committed he was when he was still here. I mean, I want this to be 'distance makes the heart grow fonder', not 'out of sight, out of mind.' We only speak like once in 5 days and even our e-mails are so irregular. So this is completely true - while I don't doubt that he loves me, I do seek some kind of resolution for how lonely I get without him physically present.

New 

To dream of new things or people signifies that you are developing a new identity and developing new strengths. You are becoming more emotionally mature. Alternatively, you may be on a life path that is unfamiliar to you. Perhaps there is a new lesson that you need to learn. In general, dream of new people and new places correspond to what is new in your waking life. It refers to something that is different or unfamiliar.

Again, this is true. SS is a completely new friend and I haven't ever even met her, but then I guess that represents the fact that she is new in my waking life. I also think that I need more emotional maturity if I can carry on a long distance relationship (also a new thing to me) and I'm University-bound, so there are obviously many things for me to learn there. It'll be a completely new life. 

Traveling 

To dream that you are traveling, represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. To dream that you are traveling in a car with another person signifies that you will make new and fun friends and have exciting adventures.

OK this actually SCARED me with how accurate it is! I mean, think about it. My daily routine is KILLING me with this University stuff and I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in a sea of alcohol and parties (not that I drink or anything. But I wish I would drink just so I could forget all this if even for 5 minutes) I AM looking for a change in scenery, and I'm SICK of everyone's expectations of me.  I mean I single-handedly compared hotel rates and flight ticket rates for about 4 hours yesterday in the effort to find a hotel that my family could afford and was decent at the same time. I made phone calls to the USA, to 1800 numbers (somehow) and exhausted my phone balance. But yeah...I'm so damn tired. 

Illegal or Wrong

To dream that you are doing something illegal or wrong represents your non-conformist attitude. You like to go against what everybody else says or does.

Enough said.

Bubble 

To see bubbles in your dreams, represent merriment, fun, and childhood joys. It may also symbolize wishes or unrealistic expectations. In deciphering this dream symbol, consider also the phrase of having your bubble burst and the resulting disappointment. 

I guess I miss the fun I used to have just about a month ago. And I do have unrealistic expectations from my relationship...which leads to quite a lot of bubble bursts.

A Promise

I wrote this for Boyfriend, but am putting it up here before I send it to him because I want to know if you think he'll like it or not. :) It's about our long-distance relationship. Well. Here goes.

So one day

You stopped being a left behind Mauritian

And became someone new

Someone that changed my life

You became you.

Your eyes could show me the universe

If only I could see.

Your words could make the air thick

The space between us

Narcotic with love

If only I could breathe. 

With you, I’m complete

You bring out the best and worst in me

You taught me how to love again

And it’s hard to imagine a future

Without you.

Speaking of the future, I know it looks difficult

What with all the distance, time, space and doubt

All the lines between true and untrue

But because I know you love me

I know we’ll stay strong

And I know we’ll make it through.

So, every night, beside my bed,

When I look up at the night sky;

I’ll wish upon the brightest stars

I’ll pray that we never give up

And will always remain the way we are.

In those quiet moments of dusk and summer,

I’ll wonder how you are

Even if we’re apart in distance

I promise that from my thoughts

You’ll never be far.

On those busy days,

When you've got a thousand things to do;

Let the memories of you and me waltz through your mind

Let me enter your thoughts

And spend some time with you.

 In that quiet moment,

When you're surprised to find me there;

Just remember this:

Even with the miles of distance between us

I’m still going to love you

And I’m still going to care.

Tomorrow does not stand apart for me as

A shiny brand new day;

It’s just a part of the tapestry of life, love, laughter and beauty

The tapestry we weaved

One made up of yesterdays

All I’m saying is

I’m ready

I’m ready to live my life

Separated by the two;

Doing everything I’m supposed to do

And yet always loving you.

Changes

Today, when I was walking back from SM's house, I noticed that this area of land across the road from her building that was surrounded by large walls of corrugated iron just a month ago is now a rather impressive-looking apartment building, complete with a swanky signboard and cutesy little balconies.

It just got me thinking.

Things change so quickly. Even though I want the world to stop and take notice when something's bothering me, it won't. It's just that simple. Whine as I might about the injustice of the fact that life goes on as usual even though I may think my problem is at the center of the universe, that's just the way it is. And you know what? I appreciate it. I'm glad I thought about it. I feel like this simple revelation has taught me a lesson about the world.

While I appreciate the dynamism of the world around me, something about it scares me. It really does. Because two months ago, you and I were walking back from SM's, holding hands and talking about school, life and everything else. And everything was perfect.

But now, the corrugated iron is all gone and you're not here anymore.

Everything's changing.

Flashes

"Doesn't she look out of place in that red dress?"

"Something wrong about that brown hair -"

"And that silver bracelet-like thing. What is up with that?"

"What is she even doing here?"

Saturday, December 19, 2009.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel so unnecessary.

To-do list:

1. Change cover of Extended Essay. That font isn't working.
2. Quality versus quantity. World Literature.
3. Psychology Internal Assessment Second Draft.
4. Sleeping pills.
5. Post-it flags  

Unfortunately, we were unable to consider your request. Any inconvenience caused is highly regretted.

Did you really think you'd found somebody? Or did the vodka make you leave with me?

Mais où es-tu ?
Si loin sans même une adresse ?
Et que deviens-tu ?
L'espoir est ma seule caresse

Top 10 Most Played:

1.  Boston - Augustana

2. Toxic Valentine - All Time Low

3. Une Derniere Danse - Kyo

4. The Scientist - Coldplay

5. White Flag - Dido

6. Paralyzer - Finger 11

7. Tonight - FM Static

8. First Time - Lifehouse

9. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

10. Decembers - Hawthorne Heights

Learning, virtue, piety.

"Don't you remember me?"

"Vaguely, yes."

"I thought so."

PrepGothEmoSceneJockNerdGeekSlutDorkIntellectual?

Friday, April 9, 2010.

Dear Diary,

Undefined. Undefined. Undefined. Undefined.

[Inspired by Carol Shields]