2010

In the last few minutes of 2010, I decide to blog.

I wanted to go for this huge New Years thing with my friends and boyfriend, but that didn't work out because of some weird family stuff..

Anyway, I just thought I would reflect on this year before I pass into another one :)

The Top 10 Most Awesome Things About 2010


10. Graduation from High School
9. Holi
8. Sheila Ki Jawani
7. Turning 18 and meowing.
6. The Football World Cup
5. Visit to New York City <3
4. Boston University!!!!
3. First paycheck :D
2. Sassy gay friend
1. Two words: Mehar Chumble

The Top 10 Least Awesome Things About 2010

10. Leopard print
9. Going bankrupt >_<
8. Being forced to leave WTBU
7. My roommates
6. New Years :/
5. NO FRESHMAN 15 :(
4. B+s in writing
3. IB scores
2. Near-arrest/money-laundering scam :|
1. Leaving Bombay/Papa/other people I love

Tripping

Tonight the stars are turning green.
My brain is turning yellow.
Your hands are poetry
And my soul is a marshmallow.

Your cat is smoking weed
Your mind is choking on a pretzel
What's on your nose?
Strike a pose
but
Be careful of the flubber.

Resuscitate my heart
Save it from those Spanish goats
If you want it
It's yours

Caution
My heart is a spastic redhead
The fire in yours is art.
Your heart is full of thoughts and rhymes
Filled with the laughter of good times
Everything I ever wanted
And it's mine

Happy

Happy like
Shiny cars
with shiny wheels.

Beautiful like
Falling stars
and flashing lights.

Free like
falling leaves
Turning from green to gold to red

A picture of you by my bed
A song in my heart with words unsaid
A secret locked away inside my head

In love like
I can never let go

3 AM Epiphany

But summer's not forevermore

No matter how we try

The trouble with hello

is goodbye.

So much has passed.
I don't know how to express it well enough in words without saying I love you.
Because I do.


You're my best friend, you're my soulmate, my rock.


You are my music.


You are my adrenaline.


The loud, blood-rushed part of my heartbeat.


I hurt you. I was so blinded by unreality and things that didn't matter, when all that was right for me was you. You gave me dreams and you gave me love. You gave me whatever I asked and all I gave you was me. Me, with all my complexities and all my weirdness. Me, with all my impossibilities. Me, with all my flakiness. Me, despite what anyone told you.

Why? Why would you forgive me? When I think about it now, I feel so sorry. I regret every immature little decision I made..

It doesn't matter. You did. You let it go. You loved me unconditionally. 

I don't know how far that's true now, but at least you're still here - and at least you still care.

People live and die in their search for someone like you. I've only lived seventeen years and I already have you. And I know I always will have you. You're never far away for me.

It's you. It was always you. It was August.  It was pizza with olives.
It was you.
It is you.

Passive Aggressive Plant Analogies

I've never particularly been a mature person, and I don't expect people around me to be so either. Because maturity is a vague concept. Seriously, how do you define it? There are no fixed parameters there. Some people think maturity comes with intellectual development, some think it comes with social choices and some think it's all life experience. It's so many things...

I can't say I'm mature yet, but I can say I'm thinking. Throughout my life, I've been faced with some things that any normal person would find difficult to live with. At this point in my life, though, I'm in a happy place. My mind and my thoughts are settled and unobscured by emotion enough for me to make an honest assessment of my circle of trust.  

I have been, for so long, the calm, balanced, seemingly emotionless person within my group of friends that only a few know me inside out. Only a few know that I do go insane. They know that I do, albeit rarely, throw bitch fits and post the occasional angst-ridden blog post (although I loathe the latter with an unparalleled intensity.) 

Here's another thing people know about me. I make weird analogies - so here's one for the books.

You could think of me as a plant, emerging and growing strongly from a seemingly bleak, unpromising foundation. Maybe even a caterpillar, but, as we all know, I'm no butterfly. I'm not beautiful or delicate, but I'm always growing. I would divide my friends into categories as far as the plant analogy goes. 

There are some that are complete and absolute tree huggers. They supported me, loved me, fed my soul with their laughter and moulded me into the person I am today. I'm not perfect, but at least I'm somebody. And that means a lot to me. There are some that cut me down. Some that pluck at the little leaves of happiness, certainty and beauty in my life just for fun. Some weeds, whose negativity poisons me by association, slowly but surely creeping up on me and keeping their intentions veiled the whole time. Some cut me down but build me back up anyway. Some drift in and out of my life...I could go on. 

Yes. It is my job to deal with your problems because I call myself your friend. But it is not my job to take the blame for any of it. It's also not my job to chase you down and ask you when you're going to wake up from your self-centered stupor and realize that yours is not the only life that's changing. I look back at phases of your lives - our lives - during which we were irreplaceable to each other because we were such good friends. I couldn't imagine life without you and I still can't, but you're doing fine without me.

Isn't that just so great? Now that I'm physically absent, I'm easily replaced. I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy, but I am saying that you're a fake. And there's no room in my life for fakes. 

If our friendship only holds superficial meaning to you, then all I have to say is - Goodbye. It was nice knowing, loving, sharing things with, growing up with and mindlessly bitching with you. 

Trees shed leaves. Plants have leaves that grow yellow and die.

In my mind, you just grew yellow and died.

Mirror, Mirror

In the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass, see the dark shades of what I used to be - U2, "Love Rescue Me"

Clear glass. That's all it really is, when you come down to it. Sometimes it's pretty. Sometimes the edges of the glass are seamlessly rounded, disappearing into a stunning wooden border of ebony and stone as easily as a mask slips on and off a seasoned face. 

But most of the time? It's ugly.

Part of why it's ugly is because it's magic. It's honest, and brutally so. It speaks the truth of all that is visible and all that is not. It reflects everything, every single aspect of who we are - the shadows, the secrets, the emotions, the thoughts, the desires, the sights, the sounds - things that are simultaneously shrouded in darkness and so powerfully bright that they are hidden from view. The chiaroscuro that is the human soul hides behind these flashes of light and dark, these bursts of energy and fire. 

In an ironic and twisted way, this inherent complexity of ugly things is beautiful. 

Oh, don't look at me like that. I have been known to find ugly things beautiful in the past. And so have you. The shiny beads of sweat rolling down the sides of your lover's face when he sighs your name, the intricate patterns of a spider's web, the way the bones in your best friend's ribcage protrude from her emaciated body like the first buds of spring, poking their heads out from underneath a thick blanket of snow. 

Whatever it reflects is beautiful - even if it is ugly.

When I look at the innocuous, nondescript expanse of clear glass mounted on my bedroom wall, I see the ugly bits of me and occasionally the beautiful bits. 

I see neatly aligned brown arches over almond-shaped doe eyes, framed with lashes that are neither short enough to make me ugly, nor long enough to make me beautiful. I see pale, soft eyelids - innocence that hasn't been lost [ yet ]. I see murky brown irises, drowning under the intensity of the hurt that has tainted a large part of my human experience. But there's still that faint glimmer, that slight spark, fuelled by my father's smile and the fearless laughter of my friends. You can see it shining like Venus on a dark night, that shadow of hope that prevents my too-wide eyes from glazing over and losing touch with you. The tiniest hints of beauty keep the ugly from overwhelming me.

I see high cheekbones, right under my eyes. Cheekbones that give my face some sense of rigidity. They've become more pronounced over the course of maturity, I notice - and not just because of the loss of baby fat. I've learnt to say no, I've learnt to have opinions and I've learnt to respect myself. Hiding in the rigid set of my bones and the firm curve of my jawline is a girl that is a romantic through and through, but is no longer malleable.  Like an autumn leaf falling from a dying tree, every movement is measured, graceful and only slightly shaky. Only slightly. 

 I see lips so thick and pink, they literally dominate my face. Great big lips. The warm pink reminds you of melting cotton candy, of  a childish hope gradually weakened and eventually stolen away by heat and pressure. Their fullness reminds you of generosity and expressiveness, and the way I am so giving and emotive that it hurts you sometimes.

I'm sure you remember the times I overwhelmed you, when that ghost of a sparkle in my eyes danced with the stars in your own and the way your long fingers traced patterns across my pale cheeks. You remember. You remember the day chocolate became ginger, the day wine became water and the day cotton candy became cough syrup. You remember my generous, expressive lips pressing generously and expressively against your thin, unrelenting ones; uninhibited and persistent,  until the fire in our hearts went out. 

Amazing

Today was an amazing, amazing day.

It didn't start that well, because I got some unpleasant surprises at school.

But I met my Cherry Bomb and showed off for a bit and told her a secret I haven't told anyone else (ahaa.)

And then I went to meet AS at PVR, after which we met Sood and the three of us hopped into a rickshaw towards BKC to pick up Gauravi.

At BKC, we got a cab with a menacing-looking, weatherbeaten and calloused driver (the complete package - cracked windshield et al.). Then we called G on the phone and asked where she was, when the cabbie surprised us by saying the following:

"Where is the person you're looking for?"

Perfect English. Perfect accent.

I mean I know it's mean, but this NEVER happens. So AS and Sood and Sood's nose and I exchanged glances and answered hesitantly:

"Uh. She's just down this lane."
G is walking towards us, wearing these oh-so-studly black aviator sunglasses and a vodafone jersey.
"Oh. I think I have a clear view now. Is she the one in red? That red one with black glasses?"
*astounded* "Yes."

So...G came in and was wearing her sunglasses even in the cab because she was so psyched about them. Then, Sood borrowed them and looked very funny. And I mean, VERY funny.

So then we had to pick up this other guy from Shivaji Park, but that was all the way on the opposite end, and G started frantically pointing here and there and going "But Wadala is HERE and Shivaji park is HERE and Mahim is THERE! It'll be like travelling on the pythagoras' triangle!"

After much debate over this (Sood is Math higher level), it was finally decided that Shivaji park did not in fact lie on the 'hypotenuse', so the other guy was asked to come to Gangar optics outside Dadar TT.

Since Sood was the "man", he and his nose had to get out of the car and wait at the optician's for the other guy. On his way out, Sood slammed the door really hard and sent the cabbie into a fit of rage about not treating the car like a piece of junk (to be honest, it was a piece of junk!)

 The other guy reached there and got into the cab, but the cabbie threw a fit about how no more than 4 people are allowed at once, so the other guy and Sood and his nose had to take another cab. I mean I don't see what the fuss was about, since Sood and his nose and AS and G and I were in the cab (that's 5 people) and he wasn't complaining THEN. Sigh.

So then Sood was kicked out of the car with the new guy (he slammed the door even harder this time, which pissed the cabbie off so much that he started accusing Sood of being..well..frustrated) , and then it was just G and AS and I, three lost girls  on our way to an unknown destination. Then we reached this crossroads kind of thing where we had to decide which direction to go in. The cabbie refused to listen to us, though, and started yelling fervently in Marathi at a bus driver a few meters away from the cab. Then, the pigeon was called, and we randomly saw Sood and the other guy at some intersection on the road, and the pigeon's house was right across the street.

We went upstairs and met my old business teacher and his dog on our way in the lift, which was really nice but kind of scary. You know how I am about dogs. Now AS and Sood had bought flowers for the pigeon's mom, Mrs. M, and for some reason *I* was holding them. Now *I* was the most random person in this group, being old and graduated and all of that, but I was still made to hold them and ultimately hand them over to her as a token of appreciation.

Then I went to pigeon's room and SB was there (totally jumped on him and gave him the world's biggest hug!) and so were some other people. Of course, since I am always hungry and it was a long, tumultuous cab ride to the pigeon's nest, I started demanding food immediately. Luckily for me, there were garlic breadsticks with cheese dip and a chicken pizza just waiting to be devoured in the pigeon's kitchen!!! So I got my plate and loads of food and contentedly settled down to eat in a chair while SB decided to sit on the ground (sub position. My, I am an evil bitch, n'est pas?)

Sood then discovered my weakness and kept saying random things that made me laugh endlessly. I don't know why, but I ALWAYS LAUGH SO MUCH and so hard. It felt good though - cathartic. Part of what was making me laugh so much was Sood's nose, which is really awesome by the way :P AND THEN Sood burst into horrible, high-pitched and all-out unbearable singing. The playlist included songs like Khwaja Mere Khwaja, Jab Mila Tu and Tere Bin. All painful. Excruciating. Terrible.

After this, we all piled into pigeon's room again and tried to play Pictionary but then realized there were no pictionary cards. Pictionary fail.

Then we were trying to figure out what to play, and attempted poker, but all the math blondes like me and AS and G just didn't get it so that was another big fail.

THEN we played this story-weaving game, where everyone had to contribute one sentence to a story, and it went something like this:


Sood: Once upon a time, in a village, a man walked out of his house and suddenly dark clouds gathered above him.


Me: And then...it started raining bananas.


SB: And then, the man opened his mouth and tried to make a banana sundae in his open mouth.


G: Uh..then he closed his mouth


VM: Then all the bananas fell into a river and got fished out by Bongs


AS: And all the Bongs wore thongs.


RA: Yeah...and far far away, two women were cooking...


Me: they couldn't figure out whether to use toad's eyes or goat's heart for their husband's meals.


Sood: And then a villager came up to the king of the Bongs..this villager was strong and Punjabi


Me: And his nose stood far, far, far above the others


Sood: *evil glare in my direction* YOUR MOM STANDS FAR FAR ABOVE THE OtHerS


SB: But then the evil Punjabi with the big nose's spirit possessed a studly girl in black aviators


G: *evil glare in SB's direction* and then her nose began to grow


Me: And grow...and grow...and grow... and grow...


Sood: HEY!


G: Fortunately for the studly hot girl in the aviators, the nose was detachable.


AS: And then it fell off her face and the Punjabi's face and washed ashore where the two women were still figuring out what to cook

RA: THANK YOU for remembering the women!


Me: So then they just used the Punjabi's nose as the key ingredient


VM: And then history repeated itself...and it started raining bananas!

After killing ourselves laughing about this, we went out onto the terrace and just hung out for a bit before going down for a walk.

I had to leave early, but this entire day was awesome.

I believe in good, clean fun - and it never fails to cheer me up.

I love you guys, thank you for being there <3.

Recovery

Omnia mutantur, nihil interit


Everything changes, but nothing is ever lost.


This really got me thinking. Sure, everything's changed. Austin is long gone and he probably doesn't even remember me anymore, when just a month ago I meant everything to him. School is gone too, and even though I made a substantial impression on all my teachers and peers, I'm not getting that time back. My friends are fading in and out of my life, when just about a couple of weeks ago I had all of them this close to me.

But nothing's lost.

I still have the memories with Austin, so I haven't lost him. I still have school and all the things it gave me, and I still have my personality, which was almost completely shaped by my scholastic experiences. And my friends - well, I still have them too - from time to time.

There's a certainty burrowed deep within me that says i'll come out of this.

I'm already halfway there.

World, here I come.

What Happened?

"so I wait for you like a lonely house 

till you will see me again and live in me. 

Till then my windows ache."  - Pablo Neruda

When did everything get so fucking SAD?


It feels like just yesterday that I was in a perfect relationship with  perfect guy, hanging out with my perfect, fun-loving friends, getting perfect grades, learning perfect lessons from my perfect teachers and looking perfect all the time.


Now I'm randomly talking to people I don't even know. I've got this little-sister-type  girl looking up to me when I don't even feel worthy of being looked up to. Not in the least. I'm wasting myself away on Facebook and Blogger all day and I'm constantly obsessing about a guy that doesn't even care about me - a guy that broke my heart, by the way. I haven't even talked to some of my friends in over a week and I've become a mood-swinging recluse. I'm going to movies ALONE. I've lost my will to study. Even making lists and colour-coding seems like a chore rather than something that comes naturally. Ditto writing.


And the weirdest fucking thing about this whole thing is, I feel like I've just been watching it all happen. Letting it happen. To me. To little miss nerves of steel, little miss heartbreaker, little miss ain't-nothing-gonna-break-me-down. Now I'm just little miss heartbroken. It's like I am unable to take an active part in anything because my brain is always somewhere other than where it should be. Specifically, my brain is right there with my heart in Salt Lake City, Utah.


I've just let go of the strong hold I've always had on my emotions since my first ugly breakup. I'm tired of holding on to them so I've just let them take over. Which is wrong. Really is.


I have to do something.


I have to take back my life.

IB FAIL

Imaginary

Are you for real?

Or are you

Just another product of my

Cable television mind

Fli-fli-flicking on and off

Out of sight but there you are

Are you??!

How am I supposed to love

Someone that's not even there?

The concept of you is beautiful

So beautiful

Like a paint can full of fluorescent stars

Thrown carelessly against

A wall as black as velvet night

Like a voice as warm as honey 

Like a darkness as light as

Snow is white

But where are you?

You exorcised my demons

You helped me dream

Of glittering skylines

Of burnt sienna sunrises

You painted the world green and blue

But demons and colours

and dreams

Are just figments of our imagination

Imaginary

Like you.

Random Song

Lyrics | Still Believe In Love lyrics

Another Dream

Last night, I had a really, really weird dream again. I dreamed that all my closest friends, SM, AP, SI, CP, AS, VM and PG - ALL of them - were smiling. In some kind of Pacman-style maze which was filled with other inanimate smilies.

Smiley 

To see a smiley face in your dream, symbolizes approval and validation of your actions. The dream symbol is providing you with reassurance that you are on the right track.

Well, that's very reassuring. I just feel like I'm being unjustifiably petulant about this by not replying to the e-mail, and refusing to ever speak to him again. It's just that I'm so hurt and let down and nobody, not even I, expected this from him. If I don't even know who he is anymore, how am I supposed to ever speak to him again? There's an AS-India version and an AS-America version. They're two very different people, it would seem... 

Smile 

To dream that you or others are smiling, means that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you have done for others. Alternatively, a smile indicates that you are in search of something or someone that will make you happy.

I don't completely agree with this. I haven't achieved anything this summer. At all. And I personally don't approve of my decision to never speak to AS again, because I miss him so much, but it's something that I think I have to do if I have any self respect and/or principles. Rewarded for the good things I've done? Sure. As if that ever happens. The only good things I've done lately are help some 11th grader with his EE and rework Aashna's world lit. I don't really think I deserve any rewards for basic things like that anyway. 

One thing is for certain, though: I'm definitely looking for someone to make me smile.

Maze 

To dream that you are in a maze, denotes that you need to deal with a waking task on a more direct level. Alternatively, the maze symbolizes life's twists and turns. It represents indecision, confusion, missteps, feeling lost or being misled

How on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

Indecision - check. I can't decide whether or not I should reply and pretend I'm okay or whatever.

Confusion - Hell yeah I'm confused. I didn't even do anything to deserve this.

Missteps - God knows what that's supposed to mean, though I'm pretty sure it applies.

Feeling lost - of course I feel lost. :/

Being misled - I think this one is the clear winner. I was misled into thinking this meant something, that it was real enough to mean something even from far away. 

Oh well.

Ode to Me (By Aditya Dutta)

this is your time to chill. 
in boston you shall kill
but for now 
make your voice shrill 
and sing out in a joyous trill. 
For now is the time,
 to be happy and spend a dime,
 you should go out and meet your friends 
cause tomorrow you'll be on the next bend.
now you're the boss, 
the world is your secretary.
 so tell them to get sexy 
while you shake shake your lexi.

People

Ignore this if you want to..I'm not in the best state of mind right now

But

What is it that I did wrong?

Is there something so disgustingly wrong with me that I just didn't notice?

All this while I've been trying...trying SO hard for everything, constant contact, always being in touch, facebooking, e-mailing, even skyping EVERYTHING. I've been online ALL DAY for so many days and now I just feel like a delusional little pixie...AGAIN!

All that effort I was putting in..it made me look pathetic to everyone else, and feel pretty pathetic myself. It's like oh look at her! Look at her trying so hard and him not caring at all! Look at her, uploading all those pictures and writing him all those cutesy wall posts and trying SO FUCKING HARD and look at him living it up with his friends and totally forgetting about her existence! AWWW!

Wow, you know, it was really difficult for me to trust again.

But I trusted him.

Right now, everything hurts like a bitch. I can't even sleep.

I'm never letting any other guy hurt me like this ever again.

I am NEVER, EVER going to fall this hard again.

Dream

Recently, I had a dream about a new friend. She and I met at some mehendi ceremony kind of thing (possibly an engagement) and she hugged me in this really happy way. Next thing I knew, we were on some sort of road trip, watching Sex and the City (:S) in a car. Then, in my dream, we took a detour at this illegal VISA place for some reason and I nearly got into loads of trouble and nearly got kicked out of University. But then since I was upset, she bought me a bubble-blowing thing. Yeah, that's it. :P

Dreams always interest me, so I've decided to pull this one apart in terms of its symbols. Just for fun :)

Engagement 

To dream that you are at an engagement ceremony represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness. Alternatively, it symbolizes your commitments and desires for security. If you are unmarried, the dream may indicate your desires for some form of commitment in an existing relationship or desire for a new one.


OK, for me, this interpretation is spot on. Boyfriend keeps going absentee on me and I really do miss how committed he was when he was still here. I mean, I want this to be 'distance makes the heart grow fonder', not 'out of sight, out of mind.' We only speak like once in 5 days and even our e-mails are so irregular. So this is completely true - while I don't doubt that he loves me, I do seek some kind of resolution for how lonely I get without him physically present.

New 

To dream of new things or people signifies that you are developing a new identity and developing new strengths. You are becoming more emotionally mature. Alternatively, you may be on a life path that is unfamiliar to you. Perhaps there is a new lesson that you need to learn. In general, dream of new people and new places correspond to what is new in your waking life. It refers to something that is different or unfamiliar.

Again, this is true. SS is a completely new friend and I haven't ever even met her, but then I guess that represents the fact that she is new in my waking life. I also think that I need more emotional maturity if I can carry on a long distance relationship (also a new thing to me) and I'm University-bound, so there are obviously many things for me to learn there. It'll be a completely new life. 

Traveling 

To dream that you are traveling, represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. To dream that you are traveling in a car with another person signifies that you will make new and fun friends and have exciting adventures.

OK this actually SCARED me with how accurate it is! I mean, think about it. My daily routine is KILLING me with this University stuff and I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in a sea of alcohol and parties (not that I drink or anything. But I wish I would drink just so I could forget all this if even for 5 minutes) I AM looking for a change in scenery, and I'm SICK of everyone's expectations of me.  I mean I single-handedly compared hotel rates and flight ticket rates for about 4 hours yesterday in the effort to find a hotel that my family could afford and was decent at the same time. I made phone calls to the USA, to 1800 numbers (somehow) and exhausted my phone balance. But yeah...I'm so damn tired. 

Illegal or Wrong

To dream that you are doing something illegal or wrong represents your non-conformist attitude. You like to go against what everybody else says or does.

Enough said.

Bubble 

To see bubbles in your dreams, represent merriment, fun, and childhood joys. It may also symbolize wishes or unrealistic expectations. In deciphering this dream symbol, consider also the phrase of having your bubble burst and the resulting disappointment. 

I guess I miss the fun I used to have just about a month ago. And I do have unrealistic expectations from my relationship...which leads to quite a lot of bubble bursts.

A Promise

I wrote this for Boyfriend, but am putting it up here before I send it to him because I want to know if you think he'll like it or not. :) It's about our long-distance relationship. Well. Here goes.

So one day

You stopped being a left behind Mauritian

And became someone new

Someone that changed my life

You became you.

Your eyes could show me the universe

If only I could see.

Your words could make the air thick

The space between us

Narcotic with love

If only I could breathe. 

With you, I’m complete

You bring out the best and worst in me

You taught me how to love again

And it’s hard to imagine a future

Without you.

Speaking of the future, I know it looks difficult

What with all the distance, time, space and doubt

All the lines between true and untrue

But because I know you love me

I know we’ll stay strong

And I know we’ll make it through.

So, every night, beside my bed,

When I look up at the night sky;

I’ll wish upon the brightest stars

I’ll pray that we never give up

And will always remain the way we are.

In those quiet moments of dusk and summer,

I’ll wonder how you are

Even if we’re apart in distance

I promise that from my thoughts

You’ll never be far.

On those busy days,

When you've got a thousand things to do;

Let the memories of you and me waltz through your mind

Let me enter your thoughts

And spend some time with you.

 In that quiet moment,

When you're surprised to find me there;

Just remember this:

Even with the miles of distance between us

I’m still going to love you

And I’m still going to care.

Tomorrow does not stand apart for me as

A shiny brand new day;

It’s just a part of the tapestry of life, love, laughter and beauty

The tapestry we weaved

One made up of yesterdays

All I’m saying is

I’m ready

I’m ready to live my life

Separated by the two;

Doing everything I’m supposed to do

And yet always loving you.

Changes

Today, when I was walking back from SM's house, I noticed that this area of land across the road from her building that was surrounded by large walls of corrugated iron just a month ago is now a rather impressive-looking apartment building, complete with a swanky signboard and cutesy little balconies.

It just got me thinking.

Things change so quickly. Even though I want the world to stop and take notice when something's bothering me, it won't. It's just that simple. Whine as I might about the injustice of the fact that life goes on as usual even though I may think my problem is at the center of the universe, that's just the way it is. And you know what? I appreciate it. I'm glad I thought about it. I feel like this simple revelation has taught me a lesson about the world.

While I appreciate the dynamism of the world around me, something about it scares me. It really does. Because two months ago, you and I were walking back from SM's, holding hands and talking about school, life and everything else. And everything was perfect.

But now, the corrugated iron is all gone and you're not here anymore.

Everything's changing.

Flashes

"Doesn't she look out of place in that red dress?"

"Something wrong about that brown hair -"

"And that silver bracelet-like thing. What is up with that?"

"What is she even doing here?"

Saturday, December 19, 2009.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel so unnecessary.

To-do list:

1. Change cover of Extended Essay. That font isn't working.
2. Quality versus quantity. World Literature.
3. Psychology Internal Assessment Second Draft.
4. Sleeping pills.
5. Post-it flags  

Unfortunately, we were unable to consider your request. Any inconvenience caused is highly regretted.

Did you really think you'd found somebody? Or did the vodka make you leave with me?

Mais où es-tu ?
Si loin sans même une adresse ?
Et que deviens-tu ?
L'espoir est ma seule caresse

Top 10 Most Played:

1.  Boston - Augustana

2. Toxic Valentine - All Time Low

3. Une Derniere Danse - Kyo

4. The Scientist - Coldplay

5. White Flag - Dido

6. Paralyzer - Finger 11

7. Tonight - FM Static

8. First Time - Lifehouse

9. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

10. Decembers - Hawthorne Heights

Learning, virtue, piety.

"Don't you remember me?"

"Vaguely, yes."

"I thought so."

PrepGothEmoSceneJockNerdGeekSlutDorkIntellectual?

Friday, April 9, 2010.

Dear Diary,

Undefined. Undefined. Undefined. Undefined.

[Inspired by Carol Shields]

You

You are my favourite line
From my favourite song
You are the reason I can smile
Through the tears.


You are the power and freedom
Flowing through my veins
You are every colour in the world
But no identifiable one.


You are the beauty of the rain
The tenderness of a parting kiss
The simplicity of a a straight line
The fluid sensibility of dreams.


You are the one that changed me
Because of you, I was 
Born again.
You are the one that chipped away
At those stubborn blocks of hate
That surrounded my dead heart
And gave me life again.

How I Feel

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests, it never forgets what it's lost.
Wake me up, when September ends. 

Things I Want to Accomplish this Summer

So summer's here and I finally have some time to do things I really want to do. Well, here's some of them:

1. Complete Austin's scrapbook.
2. Watch shit loads of free TV shows.
3. Learn to drive.
4. Learn to cook.
5. Gain some common sense in terms of banking and finance.
6. Ditto visas.
7. Yoga lessons.
8. Hang out with the brother.
9. Go to the gym
10. Get rid of all my pimples. Somehow.
11. Try and grow boobs. You know, probably will them into being or something.
12. Spend lots of time with my year 12 babies.
13. Spend lots of time with my other babies.
14. Write extensive, detailed blog posts.
15. Write a book.
16. Cure myself of whatever this cough-since-January problem is.
17. Earn some money.
18. Intern.
19. Go to the club more often.
20. Figure out Boston University.
21. Read up on Communications courses and careers.
22. Be less confused in life about University
23. Soak up some intellect. Read intellectual books, TOK-style. Ditto intellectual movies.
24. Reorganize and de-clutter.
25. Get out of mourning.

Photo courtesy: ~yayaaja on deviantart.