Love Is

I bought handmade paper this morning. 


It's light purple, rough in texture, with stray bits of dark fiber poking through in places. It's clean, though it has its faults. Bits you can't write on. Parts of it you can't change.


It's unblemished. There are no stains.


There's something I find endearingly vulnerable about it. 


I bought a black marker. The darkest black - like night, or velvet. Or a tiger stripe. Like darkness.


I etched the words "I LOVE YOU" - in block letters, exactly like that, onto my light lilac paper. 


I watched the dark ink seep into the accommodating texture of the paper, like poison. 


Almost like carving something into stone. Or etching words into someone's bones, so that you can make sure you'll always be a part of them, even if it hurts them.


I ran my fingers over where I'd etched the words in, imagining the mistakes I'd made by doing so. 


How I could never erase the marking, and the paper was irrevocably soiled, stained, made impure.


Love is a dark black permanent marker on a lilac sheet of handmade paper.

You wrote in lead and graphite and dropped vowels, forgot punctuation and misspelled words. The same ones - I and love and you.


But look at me, now. 


I'm giddy with the smell of acetone. I know it probably won't remove the stains, but at least they're fading. Faded.

When I'm done with the bottle of acetone and I drop the bottle into a garbage bag, seal it cleanly shut and throw it out the door, you'll disappear too.

And I won't remember you anymore.

Goa

The next "Big Thing" on the fairly bleak horizon of my life is my trip to Goa.

 My IB co-ordinator spent a whole hour telling my business class about how Goa only means one word - "fun".
  
Fun - that all-encompassing, innocent-sounding, one-syllabled word.

He then went on to ask us all about "fun". For instance, how do the teenagers of this generation have fun? Is it getting wasted and sloshed and doing stupid things? Or, is it smoking up and getting stoned and pretending to live the "high life" a la Jay Z's Forever Young? Or, is it, as my IB co-ordinator puts it, "expereementeeng weeth awther theengs?" (experimenting with other things :P). What he meant by "other things" is painfully evident.

Sex. He meant sex.

I do have my qualms about these things. I mean, I know it's nerdy to worry so much about anything, but I can't help it. Of course, I'm looking forward to a couple of things, like the sun, the sand and the photographs. But I'm NOT looking forward to the possibility of getting raped, probably arrested if someone around me is doing drugs, being responsible for drunk people...

Am I weird?

Freedom Schmeedom

So my mom's friend comes over today.

She's a buxom woman, all ample chest and rippling thighs. Top that off with a shock of fake brown-streaked hair and you've got one hell of a woman.

So she settles down on the couch, occupying about 2/3 of the available space, and booms:

"AKANKSHA! HOW ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE VACATIONS?"

Me: *small, meek voice* "Uh...I'm going to Goa."

Her: GOA?????? *eyes the size of flying saucers*
*turns to my mom*
YOU'RE LETTING HER GO TO GOA??????

Mom: *pretentiously detached, uncaring voice* "I have to let her be free now. I can't make decisions for her. Let her ruin her own life if she would like to do so." *Acting all cool*
And...wait for it...
*Shrugs*

Me: *eyeroll, reciting mentally stored list of goody-goody things* I-will-not-wear-a-bikini-I-will-wear-a-one-piece-with-a-swimming-cap-I-will-not-drink-I-will-not-do-drugs-I ---

MF (the most appropriate acronym for Mother's Friend :P): This is immature behaviour, Akanksha! What is this I will not do this I will not do that. So immature you are. Sometimes things just happen *suggestive glance*

Me: *mentally throwing up* I kind of have BRAINS

MF: *waving a dismissive hand* What brains? You can't have brains. You will just get carried away and do things....*suggestive glance #2*

Me: *mentally screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU CANNOT BE SEX-TALKING ME*

Mum: *seizing the opportunity* You only talk to her. She will not listen to her poor mother. *dramatic exit with teacups in tow*

Me: Oh dear god..

MF: You know, let me tell you a story about my daughter. She went clubbing once and I allowed her, but I didn't allow her the next day, when her friends got arrested for drugs!!! In fact she was very thankful to me after that and said "Thank you mama I am so happy you stopped me from going"

Me: ....

MF: So really think about it. 2 people just got raped in Goa. It's been SO BAD IN GOA and I know what youngsters do in Goa. *suggestive glance #3*

Me: *getting kind of scared now* OK fine!! stop doubting me! I said I won't do anything!!

MF: AGAIN NOT DOING ANYTHING? SO IMMATURE AKANKSHA!!!!!!

Me: Noooooooooooooooo........

MF: [ long lecture about doing things which I cannot record here ]

Me: *walks out of the room* Mom, what's for dinner?

Mom: Channa and rice. Anyway who cares about me? What do I get in return for cooking dinner?

Me: ...okay...

Mom: I know you're going to Goa with that AJ.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Yuck! No, no, no!

Mom: But I have lost faith in you. You cheated your mother by going out with him in the first place. You lied to me. You *insert string of accusations here*

Me: *disgusted look* ..I won't do it

Mom: That you will just say. I know what you will do. Anyways *nonchalant shrug* do what you want. I have no control on you anymore. If you want to sleep with boys, then by all means go ahead.

Me: (mentally) OH MY GOD WHY DON'T YOU JUST CANCEL MY TICKET IF YOU HAVE SO MANY ISSUES? OR JUST INSTALL A CCTV IN THE HALL?

(really) Oh. Do you want to cancel my ticket? *equally nonchalant shrug*

Touche.

Mom: No. Whatever. Don't misuse your freedom.

Freedom, Schmeedom.

:)

Created by OnePlusYou

Mock Exams

They are appropriately named.

They literally "mock" everything you stand for.

Ha-ha.

I'm so funny.

Now again, it has been one huge ROLLERCOASTER as I walk the fine line between a 38 and a 40. Why, do you ask, does this ALWAYS happen to me? Why?

Because I'm neither smart nor stupid.

And it sucks, because then there's the dreaded concept of being...

*LEGASP*

AVERAGE.

Okay so I'm overdoing it. But really, if you were in my place, you would hate being average, too. I mean, I thought I was a fucking genius when I got 39 last term until this one bespectacled classmate came up to me and drawled "That's it...? Why? Where did you mess up? I got 41"

Yeah.

SHUT UP!!!!!!

So this is it, so far:

English - 6

AGAIN, I HAVE MISSED A 7 BY ONE MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE FUCKING MARK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This happened in the December 2008 exams. The May 2009 ones. The October 2009 ones. AND NOW AGAIN. I'm never going to get there. I'm going to spend all my life being "almost there", even though the adorable Miss Jo has promised me that I will get a 7 in finals. WHO CARES ABOUT FINALS?

Psychology - 7

Despite that mad controversy with Chinai, she announced that I had the best paper in class because I quoted Carl Rogers from his writings in Hunt (1982) - and why? because I had read that on cranepsych. Duh! It isn't like I'm some fucking dork who goes around reading stupid psychology journals published in 1982! Thanks a lot for telling the whole class I did that!

Hmph.

Business - 7

Well. I failed paper 1. 50/80. Would you believe it? Sigh.

But paper 2, I got 92%. So...that kind of helps.

HOWEVER - it's waited 45%,30$ and 25% IS INTERNAL ASSESSMENT!!!!! My internal assessment is so...well....there are no words. In a bad way.

So I need 14/25 to get a 7. I think that should work out, because maybe I'm just being melodramatic again. Recently I've been feeling this way about everything. Maybe I have a strange tropical disease. Although, how would I get one, sitting here, cooped up inside my tiny little room and avoiding the sun like a geeky recluse?

DOUBLE HMPH.

French - 7

Duh. It's French. -_-

Paper 1: 39/41, Paper 2:29/30

Environmental Systems - 6

OK I cannot believe this pattern of failing paper 1's and acing paper 2's that has recently overtaken my life. I failed paper 1, with 30/44. Yeah, SERIOUSLY.

Because I don't know how adding rice paddies to the world will shift global biomes and lead to the downfall of the Universe.

Paper 2: Killed it. 60/65. *feels like amazing environment-chick*


BUT BUT BUT - it still doesn't come to 85% overall. So I need a full 20/20 on labs to get a 7. And boy, am I going to work hard for that. (!!)


Maths Studies - 6

Yeah I don't even want to talk about this.

So, my total comes to: 7+7+7+6+6+6

39!!!!!!

SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!!!

-_-

So pissed off right now.