There are times I'm still scared.
Times I fear losing my grip, losing everything. Losing everything I've ever worked for, through memory loss, or disease, or hurt, or something. Something. Anything could happen. We live in a world of possibilities, after all.
Times like right now, when I worry about things. When my mom's yelling doesn't cease... when her psychotic fits reach a new level. I can't always handle it, and I'm not allowed to cope with it either. I can't whine about it as much as I'd like to, because that would make me intolerable. It would.
It's times like just now when I remember you. Times i just feel like running into your arms like nothing happened and bawling my eyes out, tugging on your sleeve to make you shake off the apathy and hate you've reserved for me and save me, save me, save me. This is the cue for all that repressed hurt and bitterness to creep slowly back to the surface and seep into every surface of my body, leaving me raw and vulnerable, fragile, incomplete, barren and helpless. I hate being this way. I hate it.
Whenever one door opens, another one closes, it seems.
The truth is, I'm weak. I'm not going to deny this anymore, because I AM weak. I mean, look at me, it's pathetic, the way I break down and cry and come here and whine about my life to nobody in particular - nobody who can help. Write all these fucking emo blog posts on an anonymous blog which puts a humorous spin on everything, because that's what blogs are supposed to do, right?
What is the value of a good IB score when I can't control anything in my immediate environment?
It's just a fucking number. It doesn't prove anything about me, except for the fact that I can look good on paper.
Way to go, Sasha.
Really.
Don't be so self-deprecating. You deserve much more than what you accredit yourself with. Grades are a big achievement because that is how you ensure that you get into a good university and live life on your own terms. Don't beat yourself up for your own achievements, it will get you nowhere sweetie. You have worked hard for this and nothing can make you lose it. No amount of shouting, screaming, fights, abuses and failed relationships can take this away from you and you should be proud of yourself for that :).
ReplyDeleteIf you need to break down and cry then you have your friends for you always and you know you can rely on them.
Sometimes life doesn't flow the way you want it to. Okay so there are some things you can't control and make you want to scream.. but you have to get a grip because at the end of the day, you have to face those things. Just a few more months before you get out of this rut and into one of the best universities in the world.
And you should be nothing but happy. Because you deserve all that happiness after having worked so hard :).
Love you <3
Thanks Srushti... that makes me feel much better :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I feel bad about achieving things, it's just that sometimes I doubt their usefulness...but I see your point.
<3
Aww don't worry. We've all been there. You'll make it through just fine :)
ReplyDelete